I Never Knew
by Tenshi no Ai1
Summary: Shonen-Ai, Yuki/Kyou ~One-Shot~. When you care for someone deeply, you have to tell them how you feel. Because you never know what's around the corner... and Kyou learned this the hard way.


  
Tenshi no Ai here,  
  
I've been feeling very depressed lately, so I decided to write a one-shot fic about death and other horrible things. I'm sorry if you don't like it...   
  
Disclaimer: I always forget to write this... oops. Anyway, furuba is not mine of course... I'm sure you all knew that though. Furuba's gonna be published by Tokyopop! ^_^ awesome.  
  
And thank's to Koneko for plugging me into her fic, Love thy Enemy' AND Beta-ing and uploading this for me. Love they Enemy' was updated... you guys should read it! Red's got a... good Yaoi writing style!  
  
Oh, and in case any of you were wondering about 'Onegai, don't forget me' and why it is no longer on the site, read my bio, it explains everything.  
  
Oh yeah... this is from Kyou's POV. I tried to ease that fact in earlier, but it didn't fit.   
  
  
I never knew...  
  
I walked through the halls with my head down, trying to ignore the whispers.  
  
"Yuki Sohma... did you hear about it?"  
  
"It's horrible... too horrible to think about."   
  
"I wonder why though... I mean... how scary can that be?"  
  
"I don't know if I even believe-"  
  
"Shut up. SHUT UP! SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!"   
  
Everyone stopped in the hallway to stare at me. I didn't care. Not anymore.  
  
"STOP TALKING ABOUT HIM! STOP TALKING ABOUT YUKI!" I screamed to the crowd, before I pushed my way threw the mass of bodies out the door.  
  
Outside the air had turned bitterly cold and the strong snowfall immediately swept through my school uniform leaving my body wet and frozen. The wind came in sheets of ice, slapping my face over and over again until it was numb. It didn't phase me, nothing did anymore. I walked slowly to Shigure's house, and stopped at the gate. No. I couldn't go in there. Shigure would ask questions. Wondering why I wasn't at school._  
  
I shouldn't have come, why did I come? _  
  
Shigure had pressed me into it... saying it's what Yuki would have wanted. What he would have wanted... I laughed throatily. What did it matter now? Yuki was dead, dead, dead. You don't want things when your dead. But I couldn't stay in the house anymore. Every time I entered the doorway, I couldn't breathe. Every single thing in that house, even the air, held his essence. It was choking me.   
  
It had come to a shock to the whole school, the whole town. Five days ago Yuki Sohma, the boy I had been in love with for a while now, had been kidnapped in front the local grocery store. No one knew where he was or how to find him. Night, almost three weeks ago, the police had called to report that his body had been found on the side of the road, dead. He'd been raped and murdered. Five days ago they found the men who had done the crime. They are now standing trial for First degree murder and rape, to name a few of the charges.   
  
He died before I could tell him how I felt. It was killing me inside, crushing my heart and leaving a permanent hole in my body.  
  
Yuki's story came on the news that night. Total chaos swept the tiny community. Who could have done such a heinous crime? They refused to believe such a tale, and chose instead to make up their own ideas of Yuki's death.   
  
So they speculated, gossiped, and even accused. Right there in front of me. When I passed them in the halls their eyes narrowed and avoided eye contact. All of them. I could hear the whispers and they never even considered to lower their voices. It amazed me how thoughtless people could be. So I had snapped.  
  
Yuki Sohma, the most popular student in the school, had left this world and took with him all the secrets of his life. Or so I'd thought...  
  
In a sudden panic I ran as fast as I could into the house.   
  
"What the-" was all I heard Shigure utter as I flew past. I threw myself into his room and stopped, breathing heavily.   
  
His room looked the same way it always did, neat, clean, respectful. His clothes were neatly pressed and hanging in his closet, and homework from the night he disappeared was still on his desk. I tried to take another breath but almost choked. On his bed was the shirt he had worn the night before he disappeared, thrown casually on his bed, never to be worn again. My stomach dropped to my feet. Yuki...  
  
"Kyou-kun."  
  
I turned and saw Shigure standing in the doorway, tears streaming down his cheeks. Wordlessly he handed me an envelope. We stared at each other for a moment before Shigure spoke.  
  
"Yuki-kun said, he- he said if anything ever happened to him I should give this to you. I told him ok'. But I never thought, I never thought..." His voice cracked and he shook his head. I snatched the shirt off of his bed and stumbled out the door.   
  
I ran outside the house and to HIS favorite place... the garden. I skidded to a halt, breathing heavily, and looked at the frozen clump of dirt Yuki had once called his life. It had once been beautiful, but winter and neglect had turned his beautiful plants into horrid dry twigs. I fell to my knees and looked at the envelope in my hand. My name was printed in Yuki's neat writing. I gently pulled the letter out and began to read.   
  
*******************  
  
Dearest Kyou.  
  
If you are reading this, I must be gone. I'm sorry if your upset, I'm sure my death is surprising to everyone, but I couldn't go without you knowing the truth.   
  
Ai shiteru, Kyou. I loved you since the first time I saw you. This may seem crazy but it's true. Your beautiful crimson eye's captivated me, and I could always read your thoughts through them. You were always unafraid, able to express your emotions in a way I never could. At first I thought it was jealously. But slowly over time I realized that I wasn't jealous, just sad because I knew I could never be the strong person you always were.   
  
You are a very beautiful person in all the ways I could never be. Your very being radiates with life, and with passion. You can express your emotions so freely, and people know that they can be comfortable with you. That was the things that drew me to you the most, your passion. I loved you like crazy. And every time I saw you, I always had to hide my joy and instead put on a mask of cold hatred. I don't think you'll ever be able to understand how hard that was. Just looking at your face made me want to smile.  
  
You are the cat. I am the rat. It could never be. Besides, you hated me with a passion that I never could penetrate. Every time you laid eye's on me I could feel your hatred seeping through my skin. It was painful... but I could bear it because I knew your hating me helped you to live. I knew that, because of the person you were, that you would blame yourself. I'm so glad you hated me Kyou, at lease I knew that I served some purpose in this cruel, bitter world.  
  
Knowing this I continued to act cold and standoffish, always witty and superior. I did this knowing that my true feelings would just confuse and hurt you. Hurting you was the farthest thing from my mind, believe me. Every night I lay awake and wished, from every cavern of my being, that you would hold me. Wishing, but knowing that it was never a reality.   
  
I was hurting like crazy. Every time I saw you my soul ached, it literally ached. To soothe my trampled heart I left hidden presents and made myself believe that you would one day understand. Do you remember the White teddy bear in your locker? That was me. And the pink hibiscus left on your gym clothes that day? That too. I watched you when you found the gifts, I watched you blush and smile Kyou, and the memory of that will live in my heart forever.  
  
I wonder what happened? I wonder why I died? It doesn't matter, I guess. I'm somewhere else now, who knows where?  
  
Thank you for taking the time to read this, and I'm sorry for the pain it has caused you. But it was imperative that you knew the truth, that you knew that I could have never hated you, never. You made my life complete and I'm in a better place, somewhere where the look in your eyes cannot hurt me anymore. Thank you for giving me life to live, and hopefully we will meet up again someday. And maybe by then, the hatred you feel for me will have diminished. I can hope, can't I?   
  
Ai shiteru Kyou. For the rest of my eternity.  
  
Yuki.   
  
********************  
  
I sat there for a minute, letting the tears stream freely down my frozen cheeks. Suddenly a scream burst through my lips. I grabbed Yuki's worn shirt and clutched it to my face. The smell was soft and lingered of his favorite cologne. I inhaled deeply, saving the sweet fragrance in my mind forever.  
  
Oh Yuki. Yuki. I had thought... I had thought...  
  
I slowly pulled the shirt away from my face and stared down at the sea of dead plants in front of me, and somehow felt comforted. Staring at them gave me courage, and I said the words that I never thought I could say. _  
  
I'm saying this for you, Yuki, so I hope you can hear me... I've waited so long..._  
  
"I loved you Yuki, I have loved you all along."  
  
  
  
  
  
~Owari~   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
A/N: Arigatou for reading this, everyone. I don't know why in the hell I wrote it, but now I feel better. I was feeling depressed I suppose, so that's why it's sad. Please tell me if it was any good or not. And I know they are OOC but I mean c'mon, Yuki just died, even Shigure has to be able to cry about that one. And Kyou was in love... so bah on you! J/K. I'm not really expecting reviews... and flames are welcome because I wanna improve my writing. Thanks again,  
  
Tenshi no Ai


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